Acceptance… But Patience

Cancer's a big deal. Probably not news to anyone, right? But, when you have cancer (or any other life-changing event for that matter), you come to accept it. You don't like it, but you accept that you have it. (In my case, I have totally come tomaccept that I have cancer. I have not, and possibly WILL not, come to accept that cancer could kill me. Intellectually, of course, I know that but I can't wrap my mind around that and I refuse to let that occupy my head space at all.) But through some work with my therapist (definitely get a therapist, btw, everyone has something in their lives it would help to work through), I am understanding more that different people in your lives reach that point of acceptance at different times. It came as a shock to me, though, that I (the person who actually HAS the disease) would be able to come to the point of acceptance faster than everyone else. I had assumed it would likely be the opposite. But that is actually where it gets harder. When I reached the point of accepting thatvI had it, I also reached the point of "Cancer isn't who I am now." It's something I have. It's something I'm fighting. It's still scary as hell. It's still a huge pain in the ass. But it's not who I am. But, surprisingly to me, friends and family can take longer to reach the place where they have accepted it. And I think you sort of need to reach that point first before you can move on to cancer not being a major definer of who you are. And ABSOLUTELY NONE of that is in a bad way. No one has forgotten all the other things that make me who I am. It's just that right now this is kind of a big deal. And absolutely NO ONE has any sort of bad intentions or is trying to make you just focus on the one thing you spend a lot of time trying not to think about. Everyone cares. They care a lot. They love the shit out of you and want you to know that. So every interaction begins with "How are you feeling?", "You're really looking good", "Keep on fighting", or one of a million other things that are letting you know they love you and you are are so important to them. And you know what? You feel like a massive ungrateful piece if shit for feeling, somewhere deep inside, like you wish people didn't even know you had cancer so they wouldn't ask you those things any more. But having cancer is scary. And you don't really ever forget that there are plenty of people who get the chemo, make the changes, take the literal fistfull of pills twice a day, and STILL don't make it. But that's also when you have to realize that everyone's intentions are good... really good, in fact. They just haven't reached the level of accepting your cancer that you have. So that's where YOUR work comes in. You have to learn to answer the questions but then steer the conversation in a different way. There's nothing wrong with saying "I feel great (or shitty) today but I'd rather not talk about it. The people who really care about you will accept that and move on to another topic. Then YOU STEER the conversation in a different direction. If you have answered their question or questions and you let the conversation stick around on that subject, at a certain point that's kind of on you. But, like my sister said, you just have to be patient. Your friends and family will come to the same level of acceptance that you have. It just takes longer. Hearing your friend or family member has cancer's a big blow to them too. But the more they see that you have accepted it and moved to the next step, the sooner they will also. Just be patient.