Keep Hope Alive (But Don’t Think It Will Be Easy)

One of my friends who is has been battling cancer longer than me told me the mental game is actually the hardest part of fighting cancer. And I agree. I’ve also been told that staying positive and optimistic is the only way to get through It. I can definitely see that, but it can be pretty goddamn hard! A lot has happened since my last entry, but quite frankly, I just haven’t felt like writing anything. (Good thing I’m not an author!). I finished my entire first batch of chemo, rang the bell, celebrated that milestone, enjoyed some level of remission (we knew the chemo wasn’t going to bring total remission on its own), enjoyed my family, my work, and got some solid rehearsals in.The original tumor I could see on my lower left jaw was still there, but had definitely improved a lot over the course of the chemo… right up until it didn’t. It started to get bigger again, to the point that I could see it grow on a daily basis. Holy Shit!!! Was all that cancer I just spent all that chemo getting rid of just racing right back? So I put in a call to my oncologist and sent him some pictures. He admitted me right away (so glad he’s actually listening to our concerns and taking things seriously). The reason for admitting me wasn’t because things had gotten THAT much worse, but because, if we took care of everything outpatient it would be a month before anything could even get done. Inpatient things happen quickly. So as much as it killed me to take that many more days off from seeing all my students, it was the right move. I did get about a month’s worth of tests, scans, consultations, etc. done over the last 5 days. And a lot of the results were good. My jaw was the ONLY place in my entire body that lit up on the PET scan, when initially EVERYTHING lit up. That’s good news, of course. But also the cancer wasn’t well enough under control to go ahead with the stem cell transplant as scheduled. A stem cell transplant is still the plan, but it has to get pushed back while they try and get the cancer under better control. So then started a new type of chemo. And it was rough. This was the first chemo that actually made me sick. The initial chemo (CHOPE) made me feel like crap in a lot of ways. This one (ICE) was the first to make me sick. And it’s not over. There should only be 2 (maybe 3) rounds of this one, but each one requires me to be admitted to the hospital again. While there is a lot in there I should be happy about (and I am), delaying the stem cell transplant, which is my hope of going into actual long-term remission, was definitely not the news I wanted. I understand that if the cancer is not in ENOUGH remission, the stem cell transplant would likely not be successful, but still not the news I wanted. Staying positive and maintaining an optimistic outlook is definitely the only way to get through this. And God knows I’m trying. But hope and optimism are double-edged swords. While you need them to give you the motivation to keep fighting, when setbacks happen (as they inevitably do), they make the pain all the more crushing. I’ll keep trying to focus on the positive and stay optimistic. If you are ever going through this, you need to do the same. Just don’t think that hope is going to be easy.