Stop Being So... Irish

I am very proud to be an Irish American. I'm also very proud to be Catholic. The downside to both of these things individually (and apparently far more when combined) is the constant heaping servings of guilt and pessimism. Or maybe that's not an Irish or a Catholic thing -- maybe it's just me, but damned if I can't take any silver lining and find its cloud. So last week was my first week of chemo. Since my cancer is aggressive, the chemo regimen is also aggressive. (And honestly, I told the doctor to be as aggressive fighting it as he could... I have too much left to do to be kicking off at age 52!) But the aggressive chemo does make for some longer days at the hospital. The schedule right now is for 6 rounds of chemo, 3 weeks apart. Each round is a 3-day process... Monday I get 4 or 5 different types of chemo and then Tuesday and Wednesday I get one type. (The Tuesday and Wednesday chemos are the same as one I get on Monday, but it has to be administered in 3 seperate consecutive-day doses.) And while Tuesday and Wednesday aren't bad (only a few hours), Monday is a long chemo day... about 7 hours sitting in the chair while I'm getting all the separate infusions. So round 1 is done. Now, I know that round 1 of chemo is the "easy" one (as far as chemo goes) and the side effects typically ramp up in intensity with each ensuing round. I also know that no one can predict side effects because they can vary so much from person to person. Now, here's where the Irish Catholic pessimism comes into play. I didn't have any side-effects from round 1. None, other than fatigue (possibly because of the delightful cocktail of anti-nausea medicine they had me on... which, let's face it, could also explain the lack of side-effects. I have to assume that any "normal" person would be thrilled to have no side-effects from even round 1 of chemo. But not Big Steve! No sir! What was the thought that kept coming back into my head all week long? Was it "this isn't so bad"? Nope. "Okay, you knew round 1 was going to be the easiest?" Wrong again. "Enjoy the fact that you feel fine?" Certainly not. Nope... it was "I'm not having any side effects, so this is probably just not working." For God's sake! Enjoy the blessing! Did I get a lot of daily bloodwork done that showed it was working really well? Yup! Do the numbers (data, if you will) show that, not only is the chemo working, but it's working really well? They sure do. But Mr. Pessimist McNegative pants here still won't believe it. Good Lord!

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