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Special Days Are Harder

“Special” days are definitely harder. I can’t explain exactly why but plain old regular days are easier than the holidays and special days. I really don’t think it’s the “what if this is my last Thanksgiving?” even though that thought is in there. Maybe it’s the great time spent with loved ones and the “Happy Thanksgiving” messages and texts from friends and loved ones that remind you how great life is and how much you stand to lose if things don’t work out. But maybe it’s just that on the regular days you just go about your routine and that somehow makes cancer easier to not think about. I HATE this. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. The Christmas season is my favorite time of the year. And this year I’m going to do my best every day to keep cancer just as something I am dealing with that is royally fucking up my schedule. I’m going to try to enjoy it all. But unfortunately this year it feels less like something I’m enjoying and more like something I’m making it through. ...
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Keep Hope Alive (But Don’t Think It Will Be Easy)

One of my friends who is has been battling cancer longer than me told me the mental game is actually the hardest part of fighting cancer. And I agree. I’ve also been told that staying positive and optimistic is the only way to get through It. I can definitely see that, but it can be pretty goddamn hard! A lot has happened since my last entry, but quite frankly, I just haven’t felt like writing anything. (Good thing I’m not an author!). I finished my entire first batch of chemo, rang the bell, celebrated that milestone, enjoyed some level of remission (we knew the chemo wasn’t going to bring total remission on its own), enjoyed my family, my work, and got some solid rehearsals in.The original tumor I could see on my lower left jaw was still there, but had definitely improved a lot over the course of the chemo… right up until it didn’t. It started to get bigger again, to the point that I could see it grow on a daily basis. Holy Shit!!! Was all that cancer I just spent all that che...
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Back To Work!

Went back to work on Thursday (not because I took time off, just because it was summer). And it was great to be back. Let’s face it, this summer had more than its fair share of suck so the summer ending was not the bummer it usually is. (Which is also not to say that there aren’t more rounds of suck coming up… because there are.) But it was so nice to back around friends, and enthusiasm, and purpose. There are definitely differences — things that I don’t love but am just going to have to get used to. Like my regular routines of stopping by the front office just to check in and get myself out of my classroom once in a while. Rarely have the energy to do that. Just “running down to the copier” to pick up something I sent to print out… nope. Those all get saved up for one or two trips a day. There’s a lot more of me getting “stuck” in my classroom because my body simply won’t let me venture much further than that. But I’ve got my plants, my piano, my fountain, my wave machine, ...
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Halfway Through, But the PET Scan!

Well last Wednesday was day 3 of Cycle 3 of chemo. So if the original plan stays as is, that marked halfway through my chemo. Tomorrow is my “halfway through” PET scan and let me tell you, I’m terrified. I have no idea what the scan will show, so on the one hand, there’s no reason to be worried. After all, I don’t know it will show anything bad (worse). But on the other hand, I don’t know that it will show any improvements either! I should be looking forward to it… and I try to keep convincing myself of that. I have been wondering since the first cycle if the chemo was working. There’s not a way to just “know.” I mean, I don’t feel sick, but I never felt sick before my diagnosis, so that’s really not an indicator. The itching has gone down somewhat, but it isn’t GONE. Jen said my skin looks a lot better and that’s typically a really good sign that the cancer is improving. But only time will tell. Well, time and tomorrow’s PET scan. More of the debilitating mental game of ...
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Stand Up To Cancer

I was doing a pretty decent job just pretending I don’t have cancer. (Easiest way for me to deal with it at the current moment.) But the “Stand Up to Cancer” during the All-Star game last night got me. I always thought it was a great thing they do and seeing everyone (fans, players, coaches, umps, broadcasters…) take time to pause the game and hold up signs where they wrote who they were standing up for was always touching, and I know that not everyone’s “name” was someone who had died (though obviously some were), but it was never supposed to be MY name on one of those signs. (Rest assured… my name was on NO signs since I don’t believe I knew anyone at the game.) It does make it hit home, though, that there isn’t anyone it seems who manages to escape knowing someone whose life is affected by cancer. Just seeing the number of people in the cancer ward at the hospital drives home just how many people there are who are fighting this in some form. Still, wasn’t supposed to be me (w...
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Acceptance… But Patience

Cancer's a big deal. Probably not news to anyone, right? But, when you have cancer (or any other life-changing event for that matter), you come to accept it. You don't like it, but you accept that you have it. (In my case, I have totally come tomaccept that I have cancer. I have not, and possibly WILL not, come to accept that cancer could kill me. Intellectually, of course, I know that but I can't wrap my mind around that and I refuse to let that occupy my head space at all.) But through some work with my therapist (definitely get a therapist, btw, everyone has something in their lives it would help to work through), I am understanding more that different people in your lives reach that point of acceptance at different times. It came as a shock to me, though, that I (the person who actually HAS the disease) would be able to come to the point of acceptance faster than everyone else. I had assumed it would likely be the opposite. But that is actually where it gets h...
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Round 2… Here We Go!

Round 1 seemed like a resounding success. I mean, as big a "resounding success" as you could hope for when you've got the cancer. The bloodwork numbers look good and the doctor said I don't need to come for bloodwork again before the next round of chemo. But today starts Round 2. I have a strange mixture of emotions. I'm curious about what the second round will do. (I feel pretty lucky that, aside from fatigue, I didn't have a lot of side effects after Round 1, but I also know the effects build up with each successive round.) I'm anxious about those possible side effects (and because they're pumping me full of stuff that they take out of a bag with a label that makes it look like a prop from a Zombie Apocalypse movie). And, strangely, I'm excited to knock even more of this cancer out. Rest assured, though, whatever side effects there might be, you're gonna hear about it. Let's face it, I lack the basic ability to keep my mouth shu...
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